Yet, it is one that has gotten me shaken, confused, maybe even in denial.
Lets start from the beginning:
5: The number of pounds I was at birth, the number of feet I achieved in height.
90: The number of pounds that made me feel less female, not enough meat on the bone. Wished for a bigger cup size and a nice round butt (I like big butts and I cannot lie!)
110: The number that shocked me. I didn’t know I could gain frosh 15 plus so quickly by eating a north american diet over the indian one I often ate most of the time. Still was not satisfied with my body.
130: For the first time in life, I felt fat. Not because I was, not because of any serious body image issues, but because now, as per the BMI, I was borderline above my ‘normal’ weight. I felt ashamed and unpretty. Yet, remained oblivious to being flirted with.
120: Still, felt dissatisfied with the love handles. But looking back, I was gorgeous and again oblivious.
146: The present. Shocked. Have gotten up here one or twice before and really feel confused. I look in the mirror and see an older woman, a secure woman, one with the cutest round face. And I also see curves and love handles, but I think, for my ‘biggest’, btw according to the BMI (really really not good) I should feel highly concerned, yet I really am so adorable and stylish. đ
So here we are. I feel comfortable in my body now more than ever (most of the time), but I am ‘unhealthier’ than before. Somedays I love what I see, other days I can barely manage the shock/shame so I pretend the scale is broken. I don’t want diabetes or heart disease, and I want to go back to dancing. I feel fear about whether I can get to a new healthier weight AND still keep my new found love for myself.
Only time will tell. I will likely continue to bounce between feeling 146 is death and the number of compliments I should give myself daily đ But the good new is, I’m a badass, so I got this.
Connection: Human beings are social creatures, and need connection for survival. Family, friends, marriage all approved ways of building connection. Now, more than ever, with social media connection is easier and expected.
Disconnection: There are only 24 hours in a day. So when one priority increases another decreases. Is it possible now, that we know more about others and general facts about the world than we know about ourselves?
Do you remember the last time you had this conversation with yourself: Why do I always ….. Why can’t I stop…. I should …. I could ….. BUT.
BUT.
What comes after the big But? A long sigh? A ‘reason’ we have been using to justify our position? A fake ‘what ever I don’t care’ statement? hmmm. what ever it is that comes after the but is our crutch. Maybe we need to spend a little bit more time getting to know our crutches, what we are afraid of, what is holding us back. Facing these will build character.
General knowledge facts we spend so much time gathering  can only help in creating small talk. Small talk is a great distraction. But real talk with yourself about your crutches might lead to less ‘buts’ and more changes.
Always easier said than done. We will just have to work on it together! đ
faith. We all understand the concept but internalizing it 100% is a long process.
evidence. When there is no evidence that logically supports having faith, how do i continue to do it anyways? How do i prove to others and more importantly to myself, that i am indeed capable of greatness?
symbolic interactionism is a bitch. Is the self doubt a result of what society thinks about me or because of my interpretation of what society thinks of me? Labels are powerful but the biggest kryptonite to faith are the labels we buy into and apply to ourselves.
mirrors. When i look into one what do i see? What labels do i hate but apply anyways? Am i mean or am i looking for evidence to change my mind? When do i stop criticizing and say so what, i’m going to have faith anyways. Is it when another person is able to convince me or can i just decide solo?
irony. The sad and funny thing is, those moments that have stuck with us, convinced us that in some way we are less than, are often forgotten by those who made us feel that way. hmm. so why do we hold on to it? I guess the answer is clear – somehow, somewhere, we decided to give the power to determine our self worth, to someone from the past, who is no longer relevant. logically then, their words are probably irrelevant as well.
Einstein. Every one told him he would never amount to anything. Everyone was wrong. He amounted to a whole lot.
Remember the crazy guy who thought the world was round? Turns out he was right. lol. embrace your crazy and stop looking for ‘evidence’ to justify having faith in yourself.
“Memories without Dreams are Anchors”: The way I understand this. As great as remembering the good times can be, without having faith and focus on our to-be memories, our ‘good times’ will only act as an anchor, holding us back. I can’t think of a more simpler way to express this reality. We can either look forward or backwards.
“Current relationships tend to maintain stability, new relationships disrupt, treasure both”: Â SO TRUE! I guess one of the main reasons we loose courage is exactly that. Change is disruptive. Change comes with new relationships that disrupt our equilibrium. Eventually, we will establish a new equilibrium, but can we handle being unbalanced during this process? Hmm. I never considered that contemplation is really about our attachments. I guess then, our desires which fuel our ambitions for the future are directly competing with our attachment to the things we do not want to give up. No wonder, many of us keep contemplating.
What is the solution?!? Well there is hope! Â As Mr. Blogger says, “focus on your values”. Â If you know what your core values are, no matter how disruptive, change can be handled. Only way to reach our dreams is to take a risk.
I will be thinking about the questions that were outlined in the blog:
~ what is your current legacy? what do you wish it was?
~how are you most useful to others?
~who do you want to be?
~how can you step toward your preferred future today?
~what are you willing to let go?
Happy New year! Hope this helps figure out what your new years resolutions will be???
December is here. Today was our first snow fall of the year.
I turn on the radio and am reminded of the “top tens” of the year, the hits that moved us and flops that failed. Damn, so much happened so fast? Uh oh, its time for a little self reflection …. đ
Last years new years resolution: Get out of your comfort zone and try new things.
The fact that I remember it is an accomplishment in itself! lol. Nevertheless, I have been inspired and have had my eyes opened to many aspects of life. Although, I don’t have a top ten list, there are a few things that have made my list of inspirations for this year…
The positivity of will power: A dear friend of mine who is fighting cancer, you know who you are, has taught me that life is precious. Has taught me that life is a gift and that every moment is to be cherished. More importantly, you have taught me that strength and will power comes from within. And that, sometimes in our darkest moments, we find strengths that we never knew we had. That in the darkness, we can find positive energy simply because our desires and wishes are not complicated by materialistic things. Just wanting to make the most of life and enjoying everyday is a difficult lesson to learn, but when learned, is the best lesson of all. Dear friend, you inspire me every day.
The resiliency of youth:Â Yes, I’m about to talk about my favourite topic, my job. I love my clients even though your life circumstances often leave me feeling ashamed of the human race. But what I am continuously amazed by, is how so many of you, can fight for your dreams and make HUGE changes in short periods of time, once you have faith in yourself. I am amazed by your ability to forgive, your ability to make peace with people who have harmed you, your ability to expect more from yourself, take responsibility and quite often, choose to be sober. Life is unfair, and not everyone gets a choice of what they are born into. But your strength to beat the odds is what makes me want to wake up every morning. Dear teens, you are my motivation.
The beauty of commitment: Nowadays, its next to impossible to find a job posting that says, “full time permanent with benefits”. The more common line is “contract position requiring five years of work experience”. Jeez. I don’t want to know how those positions are over flowing with resumes. So when employers are not committing to employees what hope is there for love? lol. Don’t worry my slight cynicism has been cured with an abundance of engagements, marriages and babies. Don’t worry, I’m not pregnant. lol. But, my friends are. đ Just being surrounded by people who are in love and sure is an awesome feeling. Being sure. Being able to commit and share the beauty of life. All this exciting hoopla has reminded me that there is beauty in the world. That no matter what changes, one thing will never change, that no matter how hard we try to run away from it, we are all eternal romantics. That, commitment is not something to be feared but embraced. Dear newly weds and mommies, your glowing faces remind me of Bollywood.
Although there is so much more I’d like to say, I’ll leave it for my next blog post. đ Thank you to all those people who are a part of my life, for always being there and keeping it exciting. đ
Scenario A: OMG. I can’t believe he went on facebook and had time to message Michelle but couldn’t write me back about our plans tomorrow.
Scenario B: I found out your engaged on facebook? Is that how little our friendship means to you?
Scenario C: You went out last night and who is that guy in the pic with his arm around you? You said it was a girls night!
Scenario D: Â Hi baby I miss you -( ten minutes later )- are you mad? where are you? please message me!
Scenario E:Â Person 1: They broke up over facebook! Person 2: Well at least he told her as soon as possible.
Scenario F: He asked me for my number. Does he really think I’ll give it to him? He should just add me to Facebook.
Facebook Relativity Disorder – new addition to the DSM V by chit chat.
Remember that famous line from When Harry Met Sally? There are two types of women. High maintenance who have high expectations, wanting things the way they want it. Then there are the low maintenance who don’t require much effort to please and are laid back. And Sally is the high maintenance girl who thinks she is low maintenance. The way I see it, just like Sally society is also deluting themselves about our identities.
We want all the traditional values in a relationship – loyal, trust worthy, available, good listener, understanding etc etc. Yet, with the spin of post-modernism, we want all these traditional values to come in a small accessible package that doesn’t even require us to unwrap. Today we want friendship to work at the speed  of the click of our mousepad … on facebook.
Little effort, constant accessibility with good quality results. Sounds great doesn’t it? Well, facebook is Sally. A high maintenance girl disguised as a low maintenance women. Facebook’s main purpose is to make communicating more efficient, and people more accessible. In theory, giving us everything we want with little effort. The dirty little secret hidden underneath is that facebook actually increases expectations and the amount of work required to ‘maintain’ a modern friendship simply because it is more of a stalking mechanism.
A simple comparison:
Our parents can still be friends with someone they haven’t talked to in years – traditional friendship doesn’t require constant connectivity.
Older generation friends can bond and relive old memories to the greatest detail – modern friendships create so much waste its hard to remember the last time you had a good time together.
Friends from the black and white era interestingly understood the gray scale much better. If you didn’t call often you probably have a good reason. If you lied or hid something, again probably had a good reason. If you didn’t talk, time didn’t deteriorate a good relationship. Trust, loyalty, understanding. Hmmmm . . . now don’t those seem to take on a different meaning?
The Facebook relativity disorder has several symptoms:
Individuals start to assume that long silences and absences are somehow a reflection of the relationship.
 The perception of time becomes skewed where each hour is treated as equivalent to a day.
Individuals often draw conclusions from various random sources, often concluding that these in some way lead to an event that negatively affects them.
Individuals expect instant communication regardless of the quality. The time lapse begins to determine loyalty which takes precedence over the actual message being communicated.
The speed expected in online communication begins to transfer to in person communication, where conversations must provide instant gratification on a regular basis.
Individuals perceive any other form of initial communication besides online with a stranger to be rude and overstepping boundaries.
If prolonged, the disorder can cause a person to continuously question and re-evaluate their relationship status based on the interpretation of  online observations and lag in communication.
If you are experiencing ANY of the above symptoms, I suggest you re-evaluate what those ‘traditional’ values mean. What are you expecting? Because you may be on your path to becoming a high maintenance freak who sees the world through the eyes of your Facebook wall;  convincing yourself you value quality when you are really giving priority to quantity. Don’t worry, I am a victim as well.
love. Even many three year olds today can sing the latest love song for you. Who needs cinderella when we now have ipods? Before we often even have our first memory, we are surrounded by the idea that love is the ultimate purpose of life. I mean, what is life without someone to share it with right?
lust. The new more popular four letter word. Its the new hot topic of most popular music, and the idea of being able to separate the motions from the emotions intrigues many. Because love also comes with hurt, some feel that this four letter word is the perfect band-aid solution. As glorified as these four letters may be, without the e, the motions remain empty.
trust. These five letters belong with the other four letter combinations simply because, it is never 100 percent. As youngins, we want to believe that trust can be given without any hinderance but truthfully, we all hold back, even if its only just a little bit. Maybe holding back even just a little, means that we can remain somewhat individualistic by only sharing some of our experiences with ourselves. Dare I say, trusting others less may lead to us trusting ourselves more?
life. The most mysterious of all the four letter combinations. No matter how old we get, we find ourselves intrigued by what these four letters mean. This combination is the only one that changes meaning with age. In childhood it means play, in adolescence it means crushes, in teenage it means individualism, and hopefully by old age it means successful. Life. Hmmm. You consistently remain a mystery, having the ability to make people feel confused, scared, vulnerable and wasted. But of course, you also motivate people to make the most of the now, develop a purpose and hopefully feel fulfilled.
Life. You have a funny relationship with love, lust and trust and me. A surprise I welcome everyday. đ
With age comes many changes, some physical and some, hopefully, emotional. Today I’m writing this post because in a few days, on Monday May 2nd, our Canadian election will take place. Most who know me are probably wondering where my sudden interest in politics is coming from! lol . . . Age. That is my answer. lol.
Jokes aside, I have come to realize that life is too precious to live it passively. Work, school, chores and our long to do lists take over, but over the past few years I’ve realized that changes in the world don’t just happen through spontaneous combustion. If I care about my parent’s old age health, if I care about my future pension, if I care about the future of the cute 5 year olds in school today, if I care about my living conditions tomorrow, then I have to make the effort to educate myself all year long and not just during election time.
What pisses me off: When politicians de-value our priorities and don’t speak to issues that affect young individuas like tuition fees for example. But I can’t blame them either. The last election in 2008, only 56.8% of Canadians of elegible voting age voted. This is a decrease from 75% in the 1960’s. Bottom Line: If we don’t care, why should they care about us? Like my high school teacher told me, no decision is a decision. Passiveness is a decision. Yes, most don’t have faith a vote will make a difference, but the past few years, there have been several world events that indicate otherwise. If people continue to disempower themselves with negative thoughts and cynicism then it is inevitable that those in power will ignore you, or worse, even harm you, furthering your already developed cynicism.
Ghandiji said be the change in the world that you want to see. No one is asking you to start charities or donate endless hours of time or money. The only thing I’m encouraging you to do, is exercise your right to vote, because you have one. Trust me, it is a privilege, because billions and billions of people DON’T have that option or have to risk their lives to exercise their right to democracy.
What motivates me to vote:  I remember the feeling of utter helplessness I felt standing in a Canadian hospital, waiting for over 15 hours for my dad to receive surgery. He is a brave man who never complains to this day, but he was in severe pain, bleeding continuously, and being offered nothing but rudeness from hospital staff, being starved and dehydrated. Oh yes, they gave him pain killers, that was the best solution. No I don’t blame anyone for this service, but I remember it, because it reminds me that I have a choice, a choice to care now so that in the future when a loved one is at the mercy of government services, I can advocate, hopefully feeling a little less helpless, knowing that I have tried to be less passive and let the government know that my family matters through my vote.
nd I had to share đ
chitchatclub 